Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Spanking (Specifics)






This is a response to an e-mail I received from someone who read my article on discipline. They wrote "Betty, I found your article on discipline very interesting. I too believe in spanking. I am a new parent, with a 1 year old child. I was wondering about your experiences using spanking, as I will use it myself in the future. Do you mind sharing? I would be happy if you were willing to share specific times when you have used spanking." Well, I don't mind sharing at all. That's why I included my e-mail, so people can contact me if they have any questions. Thank you for writing. That person included a list of questions about spanking.

"Are your children ever defiant when they are told they are going to get a spanking?": Yes, sometimes they are defiant. My children, like all children, hate getting spanked, so when I tell them they are to receive one, they are never happy. On average, I usually tell them they are getting a spanking, they cry and whine about how they don't want one, then they usually follow me to the spot and comply. Parents have to learn to deal with this, as it can be emotionally difficult to spank your child when you know they do not like it at all. But there are times when they resist. Recently my daughter Sasha disobeyed me and I told her she was going to get a spanking. She immediately screamed at me "NO!" and ran off. I followed her as she ran out the door. This is a scenario I fear, but really it was just my daughter being hysterical rather than my daughter actually running away. I walked out and stood by the door. She stopped running and turned to me. I calmly asked "Are you going to come inside, Sasha? I am not going to go chasing after you." She apologized to me, but did not budge. Neither did I. Finally, a neighbor broke up the "stand off" as she walked by, asking what was wrong. I told her that Sasha was going to get a spanking for disobeying me and she was avoiding me. My neighbor, who happened to be pro-spanking as well, told Sasha "Its best if you just go inside and get it over with." Good thing she was there, as I was not happy about having to go through this whole dramatic scene. Somehow she got through to Sasha and Sasha walked over to me. I brought her inside, to her to the couch, and quickly bent her over my knee. I gave my little lecture once she was in position over my lap because I was worried she would try running off again. She was crying the whole time, but actually was much calmer. I gave her the spanking, then told her not to run off like that again or she would get a much worse spanking. On the other spectrum, I've had times when my kids completely comply. I remember one time Paige earned a spanking and I told her so, and she walked right over to me. I was already sitting down, and instead of waiting for my lecture she laid across my lap waiting for the spanking. I was a bit shocked, but gave a quick lecture anyway.

"How do you children react during the spanking?":  Well, for just using my hand I can produce a lot of pain. Typically after each spank, as I make contact with their bottom, they flinch or try to jump or. Usually they are very wiggly during the spanking, which is the reason why I think that using that over the lap position is the safest way to spank. You'd think that my youngest would react the worse to the spankings, but actually Sasha is the most dramatic (as I gave an example earlier). She cries, even screams, kicks her legs, tries to move around, tries to cover her bottom with her hand. These are things you need to expect if you choose to use spanking. Its hard, sometimes discouraging, but you have to tell yourself you are doing it for their good and that you are shaping their behavior (which you are). 

"What do you think of spanking on the bare bottom?": I don't really spank that way. I don't do it mainly because it is not necessary. I am not opposed to it though. Once the spankings stop hurting as much, I may start pulling the pants down, although you have to be careful to respect their privacy. Now, I have spanked over their panties before, mainly when they wear skirts. With a skirt, it is difficult sometimes to see their bottom, especially with the fluffier skirts. So what I do is once they are over my knee I flip their skirt up and turn it against their shirt, then give the spanking as normal over their panties.

"Do you ever spank more than one child at the same time?": I assume you mean giving consecutive spankings if more than one of my children get in trouble for the same thing. In this case, yes. A couple months ago I had a babysitter over to take care of my kids while I was out for the evening. When I returned I found the house a mess and the babysitter almost in tears. She said that my girls weren't behaving, for whatever reason. I called my girls over and asked them why they were not behaving. They all were very guilty, none of them answering. The babysitter said that Sasha had gotten them all riled up and wild. So I said to the babysitter with my kids present "You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to give each of them a spanking then have them apologize to you." My kids were not happy overhearing this. I sat down on the couch and called them over. I asked my kids "Okay, who's first?" None of them answered so I asked the babysitter "Who was the worst behaved?" The babysitter said that Sasha had started it all so I called Sasha over. I asked the babysitter if she would be offended if I spanked my kids in front of her, because I wanted them to understand that they were getting spanked for disrespecting her, and having her present would send a stronger message. She said she didn't mind. So I had Sasha bend over my knee and gave her 10 hard spanks. I could tell the babysitter was a little uncomfortable seeing it, and Sasha was very uncomfortable getting it, but it seemed like the appropriate thing to do. I did the same with Paige and Michaela. After all three had been spanked I had them stand in front of the babysitter and apologize to her. That situation came to mind when you asked that question. But yes, there are lots of times when I have to spank two or all three of my kids. I simply go about it the same, only the other one is waiting for her turn. I think it is probably worse for the one going last because they have to anticipate, and seeing their sister crying as they get a spanking must be a little nerve-racking.


"Have you ever spanked your kids in public?": I have before, but more often when they were younger. I've done the quick one swat spank as they are standing, simply to stop them from their behavior. For example, when they are running around or being sassy in public and want them to shape up quickly without making a big deal out of it. But I don't recommend doing that, I am just saying that I have done that. I have given a couple over the knee spankings in public, most when they were younger. I remember sitting at a park bench spanking one of my daughters. I remember going into another room at a guests house and giving a spanking. The most recent one was a year ago. Sasha was being a brat at a clothing store when we were shopping. I kept warning her to calm down. She said something very sassy to me, I think it was something like "mom you're an idiot you can't pick out clothes!" I was embarrassed at my daughter's behavior, so I took her into the dressing room. She asked me what I was doing and I told her I was going to spank her and she was shocked, not expecting it. It wasn't totally in public because I went into one of the clothing stalls and closed the door. But everyone in the dressing room could hear. I sat on the little makeshift seats they have in there and told Sasha to "bend over" several times. I'm sure by then everyone knew what was happening, so the actual spanking probably didn't come as too much of a shock. I don't advise spanking in public. Usually I wait until I get home to give one, if they get in trouble in public. But every once in a while they need to know that mom is not ashamed to let everyone know that she spanks. 

"How do you put your child in position for the spanking? What if they resist?": This is referring to the over the knee position, I am assuming. I use it because it is safe, it is effective, it is memorable, and it creates an attitude of submission, one essential for proper discipline. Getting the child in position can be tricky at times, mainly if they do not want to be in that position (which no child wants to!). When your children are younger, it is fairly simple. You can pick them up and place them over your lap. Since they are so small in size, you can place them easily and hold them in place with just your arm. For older children, like my kids currently, it can seem like it would be difficult, but it is not very hard. Ideally, you want your child resting their pelvic region over your thigh closest to them, with their arms dangling on the opposite side. This causes the body to contort, with the bottom shaping and sticking out making a very easy target (it can be dangerous to slap other parts of the body, such as the back, and the legs tend to not be as effective). Plus, if your child kicks their legs at all, they will not be able to move themselves very much. Ideally, you want your child to bend over submissively into position without having to do anything. My kids tend to be obedient during a spanking. But if they are not (Sasha tends not to be at times, out of my 3 kids), then there are two options. One, you can threaten them with a worse spanking, usually in the form of more swats, if they don't comply. This works a lot of times. The other way is to force them over your knee. You have to be careful if you do the second way. You do not want to be violent, you need to remain calm at all times. With Sasha, I've used this method many times. First I grab her arm (usually I grab her left arm with my left hand) and pull her towards me. As her legs come into contact with my lap, the momentum causes her fall forward. As her stomach touches my lap I reach my left arm around her, beneath her right armpit, and hold her in place. Now she is in proper position and the spanking can begin.

"Do you ever spank other kids besides your own?": No, I don't. While I don't think it is wrong to, I, at the same time, feel it is the parent's job to. I have had my kids' friends over at our house many times. If they misbehave, I simply call their parents and they deal with them. But I suppose there would be nothing wrong with my spanking my friends' children, as long as they gave permission. But I feel they should be the ultimate authority figure, not me.

Well, I hope I answered all your questions. I know I went into a lot of detail because it sounded like that's what you wanted. My hopes is that anyone reading will know that although on the surface spanking may seem "cruel" or "barbaric," it is a good mother with good intentions trying to raise their child to be good adults giving the spanking. I don't enjoy spanking my kids and am not proud of it. But I am not scared to spank my kids and am not scared of it. 


16 comments:

  1. I find it very odd that you say you spank your adopted daughter more than your other kids. Is this payback for her mom sleeping w/ your husband?

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  2. I am a grandmother, and I am ... so so saddened by this. I am afraid that you are not using several of your God given senses.

    Compassion, grace, gentleness and empathy to start with. Along with falling for the devil's own lies - that you 'have' to spank your children. Christ never ever told us to strike our children - He told us that we had to become like little children to enter heaven. He even warned us of hurting them and causing them to stumble. I know personally that when I was spanked as a child, it certainly made me 'stumble', it made me angry too - and parents are warned about making their children angry too.

    And God gave us our consciences too - and the reason YOU don't like it when you 'have' to spank your children and why parents over the years have said those incredibly insensitive words "This hurts me more than it hurts you ... " is because that is your God-given conscience telling you it's wrong. Just as it does when someone might think to hit their spouse, their friend or the girl in the checkout.

    I would like you to think this through again, and pray hard about it - because your chidlren deserve better and you need to become closer to Jesus and his gentle ways. To become more Christlike - our Lord who never hit or harmed a soul in his life. The word 'discipline' comes from the word disciple - and it means to teach. As Jesus taught his disciples.

    And yes, spanking IS cruel and barbaric - and it doesn't help a child understand a loving and forgiving God - He gave his life for us ALL not just for the adults. My parents lost my love, respect and trust from the first time they hit me - why would ANYONE love, respect or trust someone who hits them?? I don't now - and I didn't then. I learned only fear, pain, anger, hate and resentment AND that my parents didn't love me. And no, that nonsense of 'Oh we love you!' after they had spanked me - cut no ice with me at all. THEY had just hit me - something I knew was wrong - and something even I as a child NEVER did. You don't hit anyone and you don't hit those you love.

    I wish you all God's love and peace ....

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    1. My mom spanked me when I was younger, and I'm glad she did. Because my two brothers never did. They have no respect for anyone, both think they're the bosses of themselves and everyone around them, both throw fits when they don't get their way... Sounds like toddlers, right?

      One is eleven. The other is fourteen. It's shameful. I was spanked only for things that warranted it, which in my family was disrespect, lying, and fighting. I did a lot of that when I was younger, but eventually stopped because I realized she wasn't going to unless I did!

      I understand you're against spanking, but The Good Book isn't: "Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him."

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    2. That's Proverbs, by the way.

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    3. Zack - you should learn that 'discipline' means to teach NOT to hit. The ROD in this case was the Rod of the LAW not a physical stick - and it means basically that 'Whoever doesn't teach his son/children right from wrong and the Laws, isn't do the right thing .. ie 'hates' them.

      Also - you need to read further in the Bible btw. Christ never tells us once to spank aka hit our children. He warns us not to hurt them - and it would be better for us that a millstone would be tied around our necks and thrown into the sea if we do. He also tells us to be like children - and He wouldn't do that if He thought that children were so 'bad'. He tells us to love God first - and then to love one another as ourselves. Now hitting isn't loving. It isn't kind. It isn't respectful. It isn't 'forgiving' and it isnt' grace filled. Christ died for us all, God's grace is for us all not just for adults.

      Now - you say you 'only stopped because you realised she [your mother] wouldn't [stop spanking you] - now tell me what was the lesson ?? You certainly didn't stop because you had learned the 'right thing' ie to do or not do certain things. You stopped merely because you didn't want to be hit again.

      It's not shameful that an 11 yr old or even a 14 yr old act the way you describe. It is how children act at that age and normal - they are stretching their boundaries and still learning how to behave in civilised society. Far better they learn the lesson .. ie don't upset/hurt/be mean to people that merely to be afraid of being hit again. Respect goes two ways - and if you think that FEAR is respect, think again. It's not. Respect is a genuine and deep feeling of caring, admiration and esteem for someone. Do you really think that God wants you to 'fear' Him ... or to love Him and respect him ie have deep admiration for Him ?? Do you think he wants you to 'do the right thing' because you are full of fear ie frightened of what HE might do to you ... or because you have learned that being kind, gentle, generous, polite,etc is the right way to live ??

      the Good Book is very MUCH against hitting children ...

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  3. I think you are a sick woman.And I hope your daughters tell another adult of the abuse you give out. Hopefully you can get the help you need at that time. Actually if you had ever did something like that in a dressing room where I was present, You would haVE BEEN THE ONE WHO WAS EMBARRASED!

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  4. Sickening tales of abuse on kids. Fear, pain, humiliation bundled for your sadistic perverted mind. Not their good.

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  5. Peter, I really think that is uncalled for. I think parents ought to be more imaginative when it comes to punishment and I personally prefer to use punishments like loss of privileges and work assignments when possible. Even so, I think there is still a place for the occasional spanking.

    This mother has described nothing other than using her hand to spank her daughters' butts. You may think that is "sick and perverted". The vast majority of both Christian and non-Christian people in this country don't share your opinion.

    As a father, I rarely spank, but I have done it with my children about half a dozen times. I save it for situations when they either put themselves in danger or do something that could result in trouble with the law.

    You can choose to call something like that sick or perverted if you want too. That label is so out of place, you do disservice to those who really are the victims of sick and perverted behavior.

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    1. Actually mikehunt - most of Europe call it abuse, and have banned hitting of children of ANY kind - for decades in some countries. It is sick and perverted to hit anyone - and especially children. It's not 'out of place' - what is out of place is anyone thinking that hitting a child is 'right', 'needed' and worse 'Biblical' which it most definitley is NOT.

      How do you think the rest of the world that doesn't hit it's children manage ? Do you think we are going to hell in a handbasket? Do you think our children are out of control and can't possibly be gentle, kind and courteous etc without being hit ?? Nothing further could be from the truth - children are respected and helped to learn about respect and give it in return. Adults don't deserve it just because they are adults - you have to earn it too. Children are treated with gentleness and kind parenting - and it shows in their behaviour. I am not saying EVERY child here is an angel - because human beings are all different and there will always be those who turn to crime and violence. 'Situations where that could .... put them in trouble with the law" ? Strangely it may seem - even criminals are not hit no matter what the crime - so what on earth could a child possibly do that earns them something so harsh ?? Most criminals in jail WERE spanked ... so that didn't work ... did it?

      Put themselves in danger ? Why not TEACH THEM how not to do that? It's really not that hard. If an older child runs in the road etc - then tell them you will walk with them to their friends, school etc ... until they learn not to put themselves in danger.

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  6. I spank my kids over the knee and bare bottom its a good way to dicipline my kids

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  7. I don't understand why some people call spanking abuse when there are real abusers out there, people who burn, or beat up their kids black and blue, or have sex with them. Why bother the courts with spanking? Its ridiculous. Some believe may not want to do it or believe in it but it can be an effective and discipline of a loving parent.

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    1. We call it abuse because one slap/smack/spank/ aka hit is one too many. Just as one touch of the backside is 'too much'. It might not be rape, but it's still abuse !! For an adult OR a child. Especially a child. We don't need to bother the courts normally .. as in Europe in countries where spanking has been banned for years, spanking parents are sent t0 parenting classes. If they STILL persist in hitting their children then they will be taken to court.


      You can be as loving as you think, but if you hit that isn't loving at all. Ask any victim of domestic violence. Ask me, an almost 60yr old grandmother. When my parents hit me, they lost my love, respect and trust and never regained it. There is NOTHING loving about being hit. If you really cannot parent without hitting a child, then you should get to some good gentle parenting classes.

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  8. My sexual damage from childhood spanking. http://www.child-abuse-effects.com/sexual-abuse-under-the-guise-of-spanking-for-discipline.html

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  9. Since this is on the internet and it's anonymous, I can be honest. I have never hard such a hard erection as I have right now. I think I just discovered I have a spanking fetish. I masturbated to this 4 times (I'm 13 years old). I wish my parents would spank me, how can I get them to spank me, without seeing my erections during the spanking ? They would stop if they knew I liked it.

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    1. Hi, not sure what advice I can give you. I personally see nothing wrong with spanking a boy your age, although if you look at my old blog you will see I used to have big reservations. I am a lot more pro-spanking now, and would have no problem with your parents punishing you that way.

      I think masturbation is a sin, but I know people tend to indulge in it. I don't want to encourage that, but I see nothing wrong with punishing you. If your parents believe in spanking, or you can convince them to spank you, they might not care about your physical reaction to the punishment.
      Try finding some advice here:
      http://parentingandspanking.com/

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  10. Anymouse August1

    You should read your Bible more closely. Christ NEVER tells us to hit children and actually warns us strongly against it.

    You should also read The Spirit Molecule's post more closely. He is masturbating, reading this post about hitting and hurting children. He is telling you he has a fetish. And he is telling you he wants to get his parents to spank him. Now ... THAT ... is a sexual statement, not one asking for forgiveness for masterbating. In telling him that his parents might sapnk him and not care about his reaction ~ you are feeding this fetish ... and causing a child to sin.

    As for directing him to a site called 'Parenting and Spanking - Positive and Loving Discipline without Abuse' you are also sending this child information about a group of people who still believe that hitting children is right and the Bible and Christ don't matter. As I explained before .. HE never told us to hit our children. He died for us on the cross and he died for ALL of us not just children. GRACE is for u s ALL .. not just adults. HE is the only one who can forgive any sins .. not parents... the should only be disciplining .. disclipline btw means to teach and NOT to hit.

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